Albilad – Maha Al-Awawda – Ahmed Al-Ahmadi
When a person reaches the stage of youth, his eyes turn to the golden nest and leave celibacy, in search of a new life in which love and stability prevail. From there, a new pattern of relationships emerges that includes husband and wife, mother-in-law, and daughter-in-law, “daughter-in-law.” They create problems in the family to interfere in the lives of their children, especially mothers who exercise the role of mother-in-law. professionally, and the result of it all is a strained relationship. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law differs from family to family, some are warm and some are fraught with problems and grudges.
Specialists in human and social relations, psychology and family and marriage counselors point out that there are problems between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law that are not disclosed by both. These questions are often the cause of many problems, and can lead to the destruction of the pink nest and the separation of the spouses.
Dr. Rasmiya Al-Ghamdi, Education and Family Strategic Planning Consultant, confirmed that some marriage issues are not only related to the spouses, but are related to the husband’s mother and some of the issues that she creates ; Because of her jealousy towards her daughter-in-law, or her jealousy towards her son, because with the arrival of the woman she lost some of the feelings of love she received from her son, because many of men after marriage prefer their wives to their mothers who gave birth to them, in addition to the fact that the interest of the son for his mother decreases after marriage; Because of the burdens of life and his preoccupations with wife and children, and this disturbs all mothers – even if they do not show it – in addition to the fact that the son’s praise of his wife in front of his mother inflames many the fire of jealousy in his heart. Including trying to understand the mother-in-law’s feelings as a mother.
Help the husband justify his mother and give her lots of feelings that overflow with love and appreciation, sit with her and listen to her well, especially when she talks about her life and the memories she has, and of some of his experiences, as it increases the closeness between them, and does not make the mother of the husband a party to the disputes between the spouses, and be sure to strengthen the friendly ties between her and her son.
Laila Al-Qahtani, Supervisor of Programs and Activities at the Abha Social Welfare Unit, said: The mother-in-law (the husband’s mother) is a woman who carries all the diverse feelings of women, and if the jealousy outweighs the rest of her feelings, there may be a reason for this because in her youth she suffered from a lack of interest in her. As a woman, she deserves to be pampered, considered and cared for. Here (the daughter-in-law) is holding on to her mother-in-law’s feelings, so as not to exaggerate her husband’s interest in her in front of her, and to take into account the fact that they are not of the same generation, and that each generation through the years has its tools and has its framework that moves in the range of each human being, and suppose that we are at that time when it prevailed The language of science and technology and the concern to build development, science and volunteer projects.
And she continues: “Suppose there is a personality (Hama) in its old sense, here the role of the conscious daughter-in-law is to enter into a mediator who makes the mother of her husband a creative energy working in any free field, not necessarily within a government institution that invests its accumulated creativity and energies in her and integrates her and her husband into available development projects. For every human being in this great country, because preoccupation with work diverts attention, scrutiny, blame, and comes from the mother of the woman to the women of her children; Where there are many fields in which a woman works, whatever her age, according to her tendencies and hobbies, and she invests her energies in creativity to feel present as a useful and creative member. Emphasizing that creators do not complain and do not create social or psychological clashes.
On the role of the son, she said: He doesn’t necessarily have to deal with determining the line of conduct between his wife and his mother; He just has to help both parties take care of the job. It is the work alone that fills in the gaps of disagreement and makes everyone part-time for the problems, unlike the emptiness that makes each person a bomb ready to explode in the face of family formation.
Sheikh Ahmed Hammouda, the family counselor and religious guide in the National Guard, said: “God has formed man on a set of tendencies, inclinations and desires, and they are common to all creation. Glory be to Him , he said in His Noble Book, “We guided him to the path, whether he was thankful or unbelieving.” He also said, “And We guided him to the Two Helpers.” One of the meanings of this verse is that God guided man to good as He gave him insight into evil, and He gave him absolute choice according to God’s choice and will.
Emphasizing that mothers-in-law are no exception to this rule, as they are human beings and are superior to people’s jealousy and love for their sons and daughters. abstaining from harm, having good thoughts and sometimes being patient in the face of abuse; Because it contains good and does not contain evil. The Almighty said, “Pay with what is best. This is a general rule in dealing with these issues and issues related to social jealousy. Whether on the one hand the mothers-in-law or the wives.
Dr. Sahar Ali Al-Gohari, Associate Professor of Criminal Sociology and Consultant in Family Reform at King Abdulaziz University, says: To deal with the husband’s jealous mother, who is a mother first, loves her son and s worried about him, and wanted to reassure him. The woman must take this into account and try to treat her like a mother who has all the rights and can interfere in certain matters; In order to ensure the happiness and comfort of her son, or to see the most appropriate way to deal with the matter positively, and the need for the woman to prepare in advance for whatever may be issued by her husband’s mother and treat her like his mother. This does not mean being perfect as much as it means avoiding any collision with him; Whether by word or demeanor, life flows and the wife will one day pass this role.
She considers it wise to do the following to spread the atmosphere of friendship and initial acceptance, which can turn into familiarity and understanding between the wife and the mother of her husband. She must take care to avoid any rapprochement between her and her husband in front of her mother; So that it does not cause her jealousy, and that she gets along with her husband to avoid talking about her completely as a wife, whether in praise or otherwise in front of her mother, while focusing the the attention of the husband “who is the son” to his mother while she is with them to a large extent; Feeling that she is the sovereign, as well as the wife’s recourse to her husband’s mother and her advice in all matters concerning the husband, in regard to food, cooking and everything that could make him happy, noting the advice of her mother that she has knowledge and experience and she is so, and that the wife has no experience, and from her husband’s mother, you learn.
She stressed that all of this is in the interests of the harmony of the new family with their first family and parents, and to achieve stability and family harmony at all levels.
Dr. Abdul-Manan Maamour Bar, Professor of Psychological Counseling at the Center for Family and Psychological Studies at Umm Al-Qura University, explained that jealousy is a psychological concept of the nature of the human psyche. The son, and that son may have a special interest in her, care and status. Undoubtedly, the entry of another party to her son, such as his wife, is seen as a threat to her as a mother, as she does everything in her power to ensure that her son does not escape. not from her; Then begins jealousy and direct interventions.
Dr. Abdul-Mannan adds: “Sometimes I see that jealousy can be some of them dangerous negative feelings depending on each mother-in-law’s personality. Jealousy has both negative and positive aspects. Interventions can be negative, directly or indirectly Advice; First, the wife should not make hasty and random judgments which are negative for the mother-in-law, and she should set limits before her for the husband and his mother, which may also be insufficient for solve the problem; On the contrary, it can become more complicated, but the woman must first know her mother-in-law’s personality patterns and her key, and here she knows how to treat her and grant the mother-in-law a great importance to ask about her, giving her gifts and consulting her, attending her events and inviting her first for these occasions and not marginalizing her, and encouraging her husband to give visiting her parents, and being serious, and not allowing her husband to interfere in what is happening between her and her mother-in-law.
trigger a conflict
Ahmed Al-Hazmi, a social worker, says: Jealousy exists in every human being, and it is a nature in him, and the mother is part of this life, because she was born, raised and worked for her son. , and does not. wants his son to share his love with someone else; Therefore, when the son gets married, she thinks that the son will leave her and will only be with his wife, and here problems arise between her and her daughter-in-law, and the conflict begins, and the son is confused between them , and the solution to this problem is for the woman to approach her mother-in-law and treat her as she treats her mother.
Dr. Rajab bin Abdul Hakim Brisali, a psychiatrist at Hira General Hospital in Makkah, says: In fact, to know the reasons that make wife’s mother jealous of her daughter-in-law, we need to understand the psychology of the mother, who is based on the love of possession and total control over her son, in addition to the fear and fear of losing interest in her son, whom she carried in her womb for nine months, in no more troubles and difficulties of education; Until he becomes a man.. All these psychological factors weigh on the shoulders of the mother and end up making her jealous.
It should be noted that the instinct that the mother has built up, which is the love instinct of possession, and not accepting the participation of another woman is not a bad thing in any case; A smart mother can remedy this and keep jealousy from rising to the surface by giving her wife the love and appreciation she deserves.
There are other factors that can create resentment and jealousy in the mother’s chest, such as the beauty of the wife and her high educational and social level; Therefore, the husband (son) should have a deep understanding of his mother’s psychology, and he should act calmly, wisely and wisely to contain his mother emotionally, giving her more attention and psychological support.